Lately, I was reading through the screenshots of the messages we shared before. It hurts a lot to see how we started things in the right direction and ended up in a wrong turn. We had high hopes, promises of seeing each other, and patience to stick around.
I know the feelings we shared for each other were real. I know you’re just pushing me away to sacrifice your feelings and make things easier for me. And the situation we’re in has forced you to believe that love is dead.
Even though you deny your feelings a million times, even though you push me away, I’d still love you like I did before.
I understand that the sleepless nights we’ve been through for having each other on our minds wasn’t enough to satisfy our desires. So we ended up this way.
It could’ve been a potential relationship. But we’re built to fall apart.
I shouldn’t have blamed you for hurting me. The pain I’ve been through was partly because of me. I played with fire so I got hurt. I took the risk of falling in love with someone far away from me.
You, in return, took advantage of that for your own good. Don’t say that you didn’t feel anything towards me now that every hope we had has faded away. I know you did. It’s just that you couldn’t accept it because it was either too painful or inappropriate for your part–letting yourself fall in love and risking your bruised ego. I guess we are just both victims of the circumstances and the ugly fate that has been woven for us.
I’d like to believe that you have loved me too–that you were also hurt that we haven’t seen each other in a while.
We both wanted to see each other so bad. We have waited for days, months, and years until one of us is ready to take a chance. But life has somehow got in the way. Things weren’t easy and they get harder as each day without you passed by. The right time that we have both been waiting for hasn’t come yet.
Frustrations and disappointments creep in. We started becoming impatient. We started feeling hopeless. We feel like we have already wasted a lot of time hoping for something that wouldn’t even come. There’s a lot of drama that has happened. The tension between us is heating up like a ball of fire.
But then again, you told me that you know something else would be a lot easier to do rather than maintaining a long-distance relationship, but you like going through the challenge with me.
That made me sad. Because I never thought that someone is willing to spend so much of their precious time on me even if I, myself, isn’t ready to take the risk.
For that, I thank you–for keeping the friendship alive all through these years even how hard the situation was.
I know it was fueled by passion and desire for finally expressing our emotions physically. Even so, I’d like to believe that there is love between us. Even just an ounce of it. Even just something friends feel toward each other. Even it was a fleeting moment. Because I know that deep down, we may be built to fall apart but fall back together.
We both have tried to wait for each other. Only it didn’t work out the way we wanted it to be. We are both open for a second third or fourth chance even for the nth time. I wonder when would that chance encounter ever happen?
For me, it would be an endless chase of the unknown. I’d forever be curious about what it’s like to be with you now. I’ve felt too many emotions that I tried to live in the moment but failed to do so because the only thing I did was wait and hope for the future when the day we’ll get together will finally arrive.
We have never backtracked. All we did was waiting for the hands of time to move our relationship forward. All we did was waiting for the right time. Eventually, all that’s left was patience gone wrong.
For that, I’m sorry because I’ve caused you too much trouble. I’m sorry if I somehow got in the way of achieving the life that you want. I hope I didn’t. Those were four amazing years.
So I guess this shall end here–the drama and the roller coaster ride we both enjoyed (and got tired from).
I’d rather say that you should stay. You should’ve stayed.
But I’ll be selfish if I say those words.
After all, I believe you already have the life that you wanted and I have no place in it. That’s better. I’ve always wanted the best for you, anyway.
This post was published on Candymag and ThoughtCatalog.