Distance Is a Bitch (Published on Thought Catalog)

distance

If I were to battle in a war consuming all I could give as a human being, I’d choose to participate in a kind of war where distance is the enemy. I’d rather fight in a war where no life is at risk and no blood needs to be shed, not because I am a coward to face tough fights, but because I know I could deal with a worthy one. I know I don’t need to give so much physical strength to survive a fight or even kill to win a battle. Instead, I just need to use my God-given gifts, two of them: my heart and mind.

First off, I want to give myself and the rest a better understanding of this word. Distance, according to Webster,  is the degree or amount of separation between two points, lines, surfaces, or objects. Also, a separation in time. Place and time. Your life status, the gap between your teeth, your age gap between your parents, something that exists between two married people when divorced, everything on earth has distance.

You can’t live without it.You should actually have it on the A-list of your most hateful things in life because I have it on mine. And if you tell me right in front of my face, “Hey there, distance!” I won’t slap you for being stupid. I’d rather be thankful because if there was no distance, we could’ve kissed before the words even escaped your lips. But if you will ask me about my definition of distance, then we shouldn’t teach this word to kids below 18. Because for me, distance is such a bitch.

A bitch is not at all bad, though. And to compare distance with a bitch, distance is not a bad thing. It teaches you lessons that would help you grow as a better person. Don’t get me wrong. I am not slut-shaming here. I am trying to raise a point that distance is such a difficult situation to handle (just like a person who has a savage attitude, or a bitch in other words).

Now you are probably wondering why am I ranting so much about distance. I wanted to clear some confusions, but then I realized I don’t have the guts to spill everything up to you, yet. So maybe let’s have it this way. I have fallen in love (crazy in love) with someone who is now far away from me. Pathetic, I know. That’s why I hate distance this much.

Going back to fighting off the bitch, I’d say to use my heart against distance is a pretty harmful thing. Our heart is the weakest part of our body. Nah. Could probably be the strongest. But then I’d insist our mind’s still the strongest…when it comes to deciding on matters.

Logic per se could probably bring us out of all the mess we’re in, whereas our hearts could falter especially when our emotions started to beat us. Especially in my case, being in love with someone who is miles away from me, or let’s say I was falling for him but not totally, I’ve been to series of small heart attacks already. I’d term it that way ‘cuz I know I’m still healthy not to have a cardiac arrest. But, what I’m saying is that distance kills.

I feel so engrossed towards this guy that I couldn’t even let my brain decide for me. I was breaking the mundane which is being busy with the stuff I usually do. But when I met him, I became so disorganized. I tend to procrastinate my home works to just daydream about him instead. I tend to slack and just talk to him over the phone all day. I became a clumsy and feisty girl. I was once the OC type, but a few months later, I started to take for granted the things that mattered to me before. I became so careless.

Because all I think about is him.

See, even my heart, where my emotions and empathy lingers (I know our emotions are still a product of our brain but I’d put it this way as my mind being the logical thing and my heart being the empathetic one) controls the way I handle my life. Now I’m totally one of the loose ends that I used to hate.

And when I don’t get to talk to this guy for a week, or even a day, I’d feel so much anxiety that brings a lot of emotions seemingly exploding inside me. This is what I feel when I’m having small heart attacks. When I feel like jumping into my computer screen and just be with him, right there at that moment in his place. I know I just couldn’t do that. It just leaves me frustrated.

How could I even spend a day, thinking about him, thinking how far away we are from each other without leaving my heart unscathed? It is so impossible. I’m taking a big risk for him…for us. I love my heart. But then I think I love him more.

As for my mind, fighting distance using my mind all the time leaves me breathless, tired or even crazy. It’s taking all of my energy. I think about him 24/7. When I don’t get to talk to him, I go gaga thinking of a way to reach him. I even risk my brain cells for talking to him on the phone all day, all night. And if it’s true that radiations from computer and cell phones help you fail to age gracefully, then I’d probably lose the youthful glow on my face that he likes the most.

Oh, how I wish we didn’t live so far. He is such a nice boy. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do anymore. I don’t know. But if our minds could stop worrying and overthinking for a while without getting brain dead, I’d do it more often just so I can breathe and think in peace, and forget about us…or at least forget about the distance between us.

Scratch that. I’d never do that, honestly. I can’t afford to lose him even in my memories. Even if I get into an accident and suffer Amnesia, I’d kill just to remember him.

Well, I know someday I’d beat that bitch of a distance and make better memories with you. Memories where both of us are together…physically together. I know I’d win this war because I am brave and willing to wait until we meet. I won’t get tired waiting. I would never be afraid of the consequences or even the struggles that would come my way toward you. Because that’s what we need in life…a little bit of courage.

(originally posted on my Blogger account in 2013)
(published on Thought Catalog on September 30, 2016)
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